The Knitter

I get it. As you date, people pass in and out of your life like a revolving door. Not everyone is going to be right for me. I’m not right for everyone. But I struggle with letting go. I especially struggle with letting go without closure.

This morning was one of those realizations that a guy I’ve been out with several times, we’ll call him the Knitter, has defriended me on Facebook. I get it. And I don’t even blame him. Worse, I don’t really mourn him.

I liked him, but I think I should have liked him more to take it to the next level: commitment. And I didn’t, and I couldn’t. Where I went really wrong was getting too physical too quickly. It wasn’t that he lost respect for me. I may have actually lost a little for him, in a terribly unfair way. But it was that he then made the assumption that we were not seeing other people, though it was never explicitly vocalized. But I was still seeing other people.

Now, looking back, I see the wisdom in holding back some physical activity. It makes it difficult to really get to know someone well and in what feels like a proper order. And what does it mean for dating? Do you commit yourself to one person, regardless of how compatible you may be, cause after all, how would you really know at that point? Are you physically active with other people as well? Where’s the line?

So, I was left with a man I really hardly knew that wanted commitment. Somehow in all of this, I feel like I’ve turned into a man, a player of players. But I really don’t think jumping straight into commitment is wise, particularly within a few short weeks of my last relationship. But how do you back peddle out of that situation? You can’t really. Or I can’t. Or didn’t successfully. I tried to explain. He tried to understand and go along with it.

But when the Knitter caught on that I had an ex bf visiting, that was the final straw. And I don’t blame him. But no word before he stops speaking to me, does the great defriending on facebook – a slight slap in the face. I feel unsettled. I would have liked a last little conversation. To part amicably. To shake hands and say, we tried but this isn’t what I’m looking for. It’s the silence that is deafening.